Celibate, Selfish & Loving Myself

Celibate, Selfish and Loving Myself

Let’s talk about sex. Or rather the lack thereof. I wasn’t sexually satisfied in my last relationship. I spent three plus years having whack sex. You see, I was really determined to settle down back then. So much so that I actually thought that God was testing my Faith to see if I wanted it bad enough. If I could handle the thick and thin of a relationship and not be shallow. In all actuality, my ex definitely wasn’t worth that torture. That will be the extent of my bashing though as I’m the one who decided to stay with him. I overlooked a lot of things that should have caused me to walk away. But I wanted so bad for things to work out, I stayed against my better judgement. Foolish me.

Anyway, it got to the point that we weren’t having sex much at all. I tried to explain to him that my needs weren’t being met. His response- “Just because I cum doesn’t mean I’m satisfied.” Could’ve fooled me with all that ejaculating he was doing, then falling asleep without complaint. Men can be selfish like that though. As you can guess, this relationship eventually reached it’s climax (unlike me) and we parted ways.

I took a break for six months. Then I got the backed up frustration out of my system (Oh don’t act like y’all don’t have a standby or two lol #stopjudging). Then I decided to take a hiatus from men. No Sex. Flings. Netflix & Chill. Dates. I just wanted to take some time for me. I needed to make my relationship with myself a priority as I had lost myself. To remember the things that I loved to do. Work on the goals and dreams that I had put on the back burner. It was time for me to be selfish and focus on my needs. Selfish with my time, and selfish with my goodies.

I was tired of giving myself mentally, physically and spiritually to men that did not deserve me. It’s said that every time we are intimate with someone we form a soul tie. An emotional and spiritual bond to that person. I have enough trouble trying to heal my own soul as is. I don’t need these dude’s baggage weighing me down more. So I decided to be celibate.

That was eighteen months ago. I’ve grown so much in this time. I’ve learned to truly love myself and be happy. Without a man. I’ve learned that it’s okay to be alone and give yourself time to heal and get rid of lingering baggage. You can never truly love someone else if you don’t love yourself, so self love should always be your top priority. When I do decide to be in a relationship again, my relationship with myself will remain my top priority.

This is not the first time I’ve decided to abstain from sex. I’ve gone this route a few times. For me, men can sometimes be a distraction. So I take a break from time to time to reflect and refocus. My longest bout of celibacy was two years. It’s mind over matter. Most of the time I’m so focused on getting myself together that I don’t think about sex. But when it gets tough, trust I know how to handle things myself.

There’s no timeline on my celibacy though. I’m not waiting for marriage as honestly, I’m not 100% sure if marriage is something that I want for myself anymore. That’s not saying that I don’t want companionship. What I don’t want is a meaningless situationship with a [email protected]#k boy. Or to waste anymore years in lackluster relationships.

In the meantime, I’m loving myself and trying to live my best life. I don’t plan to open my cookie jar until I’m good and ready. On my terms. See ladies, we can be selfish too.

Have you ever tried being celibate? For what reason?

16 COMMENTS

  1. This post really resonated with me. I’ve been celibate since June 2016. My ex was GREAT in bed but there were so many issues outside the bedroom. I was in the same space of wanting to settle down & desperately trying to work with him to make positive lifestyle changes. I had to end things once I admitted the truth about who he was. He was never going to change. I decided that I deserve the right type of man. Not some tired dude who really served no purpose in my life. I’m single AF now. I don’t even have a maintenance man & that’s okay. I don’t want to entertain just any man just to say I have someone in my life. I’ve wasted so much time on the wrong men. My focus has shifted back to me, traveling, pursuing my purpose, & just seeking happiness.

    • I couldn’t have said this better myself. I definitely feel you. I’ve learned that you can not change people. They are who they are, and will only change if they want to. So when you see their true colors and it’s not up to par with your standards, let them go. We will be fine, sis. Sending you virtual hugs!

  2. I have been celibate before, my longest bout was 4 years and the reason was taking time to heal and spiritually I was getting closer in my walk with Jesus than my walk with a man. I felt that if I found out who I truly was in Him that I wouldn’t lose myself in “him”. I’ve had the same “cob web duster” since I was 17 someone so addicting I call him Kryptonite. As you stated I am focused on loving myself and learning to live a life I love.

    • I can totally relate to the Kryptonite, sis. I had my own and had to let him go. He had a strong hold on me and I knew that there was no future there. Every time I told him I wasn’t going there with him anymore he’d charm his way back. I had to quit him cold turkey. One of the best decisions I could have made!

  3. Keith in Chicago, i’m doing the black eyed peas recipe this morning and have to congratulate you on a well done web page. I wish we had more woman like you here in Chicago. You a truly a queen. Keep up the good work.

  4. Yes,for 28 months. It wasn’t exactly on purpose. I just was running into bs. 5 years into a relationship and satisfied from day 1

  5. Guuurl preach!! I absolutely love how this article is written. No sugar coating! I have recently (six months ago) decided to go celibate and it has allowed me to focus more on ME and to easily identify those who merely wanted my body. This has been one of the best decisions I have made. It has not been easy and the temptations are certainly there but I am worth so much more than someone’s selfish gratification! As you rightfully said it is about time women become selfish too. Selfish with our time, and sharing of ourselves for trivial intentions.

    • Go head with yo’ bad self sis.You speak the truth. You can definitely weed out those who are only trying to get some!

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